


Just Don't

by WrittenFire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Drabble, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 02:36:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12949455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrittenFire/pseuds/WrittenFire
Summary: Dean could not handle letting someone so close again when he just knew that he would leave them behind someday—or they would leave him behind.Knowing that as he did, though, wasn’t enough to stop those feelings from escaping and overwhelming him.





	Just Don't

**Author's Note:**

> I have had this started yet unfinished for years. It ended up in a different direction then originally intended, and I couldn't be happier about that. 
> 
> Here's to hoping you love this bundle of Dean angst as much as I do.

It never got easier. All those brushes, those close encounters with death—hell, those times where they _had actually fucking died_ —never made it easier the next time they found themselves knocking on death’s door. The desperation to live, the anguish, the fear of leaving the last bit of family they had left; they were all emotions that Dean found himself far too familiar with. For the longest time the only people who he feared leaving behind were Sammy, his dad and Bobby. Then the universe had stolen another parent from him and he was left with two. 

But then there was hell. The years of torture, the years of inflicting it, his soul scarring and losing more of himself each day—all to end when Castiel—a fucking _angel_ —dragged him out, only to give him that third person to _feel_ for. He did his best to deny it, ignoring the feelings of protection and fucking _love_ that he could feel growing inside of him.

The two of them just weren’t a possibility; he didn’t have a problem with the gay thing, for himself or anyone else, but Dean could not handle letting someone so close again when he just knew that he would leave them behind someday—or they would leave _him_ behind. Knowing that as he did, though, wasn’t enough to stop those feelings from escaping and overwhelming him. 

He tried his hardest to keep distance between them, at the start. It was hard to do when Castiel had no concept of personal space or—fuck, or _boundaries_ —but Dean tried his damnest. Sam always gave him this look, something he ignored but also wanted to see more of because their corresponding silent conversation felt more like _them_ than anything had since he’d returned and things became so…crazy, for lack of a better word. 

But it wasn’t to last. Dean knew it wouldn’t, because when had life ever been fair to him? The gulf between him and Sam builds wider every day, and he—well, Dean is at a loss on how to fix it. And lately he couldn’t get rid of the wonderment of if he even _wanted_ to anymore. Wouldn’t it be easier on them both if they said that enough was enough and quit?

He fought the thought as hard as he could because Sammy had always been his responsibility, his to save and keep safe from the world. And if he didn’t have that, then who was he?

Who was he, if he wasn’t a protector?

The fact that he could be the protected instead never occurred to him, and why would it? So when Castiel became Cas, when someone started to care for his well-being above all, above _Sam_ —well, he didn’t know how to recognize it for what it was. 

When fighting an attraction became giving into wants, into needs, and encounters with Cas had him walking away satisfyingly bruised and used, he failed to see it for what it was.

Even when the touches softened, and the kisses eased and lingered, when the quick fucks turned into love making, he was blind to the fact that Cas was falling for him, falling harder and faster than he was from heaven. 

All that Dean knew was this: with the hole that just continued to grow between him and his brother, losing himself in Cas was like finally coming home, and Dean intended to hold onto that feeling for as long as possible.

Because as life had taught him, he could—and would—lose Cas in a heartbeat, and home would be lost to him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. <3


End file.
